Money Saving Advice? Pppfffftttt.

Have you ever read those articles that claim to give you money saving advice?
“Top Ten money Saving Tips” “Earn £££’s in Your Lunch Hour” “Credit Crunch, save those extra pennies”

And the like. I read them all the time, in the hope of getting some real gold nugget of advice, instead of the obvious crap they actually point out....

‘Transfer any money left over at the end of the month to a separate savings account, you’ll be amazed at how it adds up!’
Money left at the end of the month? That’s where I’m going wrong then, mine’s all gone in the first ten days.

‘Sell your unwanted stuff on EBay, you could be sitting on a fortune!’
This, in theory is a good idea. I tried it. You have to clean up/iron/wash the ‘stuff’, take photos, load the photos onto your computer, realise the photo has more of your bedroom background than your actual item in it, take another one, upload that, then; on the EBay website, upload your photo, create an intriguing title for it that says ‘pay more for me than I’m worth’ but without breaking spam rules, e.g. ‘from Primark, Like Prada’, Create an item description, ‘Please buy it I need the money’, And then the questions start.
Auction or Buy It Now?
What payment will you accept? Do people actually use Postal Orders anymore?
How long for your auction, 7 days? 10 days? Should it end on a weekend?
Postage and packing. Eh? How much does it cost to post a pair of jeans anyway?
Oh look, a charity shop bag has just come through my door, I’ll just fill that and they’ll come and pick it up.

‘Cut back on that lunchtime latte to save ££££’s!’
This is not Sex and the City, stop poncing about with your Double Macchiato Express and make a cup of tea or coffee in your work like the rest of us.

‘When Charlene counted up how much her beloved glossy magazines were costing her a month, it was over £40!’
There are reasons these celebrity magazines never have more than 5 letters as their title. If you can read, buy a book. It’ll last way longer than pictures of celebs who are back in rehab. Or if you are comfortable with your low level of intellectual ability, these gossip columns are all online anyway, for FREE.

Why isn’t there real advice, that actually will save you money on things? It might not suit everyone...

• Our society has become obsessed with material things. We have too much, and are pressured into looking good. We spend a fortune on cosmetic and beauty products that we lather on each day. In the name of saving cash, we can all afford to cut back a bit. On hygiene. Let’s go back to the middle ages, when everyone had an interesting smell emanating from them.
• Are you using too much toilet tissue? One square should suffice. Yes, you may get some effluent on your fingers, but you can wash them, saving on all expensive loo roll.
• Instead of washing your hair, let the grease build up so you can smooth it into a groovy quiff. 50’s rockabilly is very trendy right now.
• Don’t buy confectionary any more when it can be easily acquired from small children. Simply claim they have been ‘Naughty’ and you are ‘Confiscating it’.
• Don’t actually pay for anything anymore. Shoplift. If you get caught, burst into song, and hopefully they’ll see you’re just a loveable scamp.

But of course, if you really want to save money, get rid of all pets, partners and children. They cost a fortune. Lonely hermits with millions in the bank, they’ve got the right idea.